haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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