I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
