I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
being pregnant is like rehab
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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