Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
