somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
