Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
