Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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