Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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