The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Randomize
