You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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