I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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