My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
