He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
we're so committed to being not committed
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
