all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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