I think scott just propositioned me for sex
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
