i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
