Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
