Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
