If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
