I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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