Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
