i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Randomize