At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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