My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
