when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
