Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize