come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
