Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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