there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
