So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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