I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
