If i come over, it means nothing
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
