He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
