There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
