i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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