i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Randomize
