dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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