Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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