a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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