You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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