I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
