i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
