I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
