I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
