just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
