dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize