sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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