I'm really into asian looking animals
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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