I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
True strength comes from lack of pants
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize