we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
