Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
