I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
