Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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