my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
It's no shave November. This is our time.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
