I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
