I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
