I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
