My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
