Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
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